The Survival Guide 2005: HOW TO TAKE A DUMP AT WORK...
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked backin our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK DUMP is inevitable. For those who hate 'taking the boys to the pool' at work, the following is the Survival Guide 2005 for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and dumping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at theurinal or forcing poo in a stall. This is usually accompanied by asudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE). Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the log hits the water and it is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a veryuncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with allfarts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can beavoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER Definition: A colleague who dumps at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency dumping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS Definition: Seldom-used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a dumper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the mostshocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump atwork. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potentialTurd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELETTE Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger aroundforever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror orsitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while onthe crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when thebathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in thebathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a...FREQUENT FLYER People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
