*DAMNITOL* Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. *EMPTYNESTROGEN* Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. *ST. MOMMA'S WORT* Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. *PEPTOBIMBO* Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. * DUMBEROL* When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. *FLIPITOR* Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. *MENICILLIN* Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person.* *BUYAGRA* Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. *JACKASSPIRIN* Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. *ANTI-TALKSIDENT* A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. *NAGAMENT* When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him
